Do you know what's really frustrating? Having a million questions and not nearly as many answers. But not just that, because I've gotten over the initial shock of knowing that I can’t ever know it all. What's still got me going is that when I do find an answer, I'll search for any excuse to discredit it.
God must be so furious with me right now. We both know that I'm drowning, and I know very well that he keeps sending life rafts and search parties my direction. So why in the heck am I still out here trying to swim on my own? All my excuses and self-proclaimed notions are getting me nowhere. When God responded to my silent "help me"s, I tried to challenge him and say "help my by doing___", and when God (who I, by the way, have no right to challenge) began to flood my life with blessings even I didn’t realize I was in need of, I stubbornly told him "I'm not ready".
Now what kind of an answer is that? How many of you would turn your back on the fireman who ran into your flaming bedroom and say, “hold on, let me check my facebook real quick”? None of you would. Unless you sincerely thought facebook could offer you something more valuable the fireman already had. Well I’ve got news for you: SuperPoke and BumperSticker applications have got nothing on your Savior, Jesus Christ. So this is your chance-of-a-lifetime deal to get a whole lot more than just a lifetime.
Last night, at The Yard, when I was writing down stuff about myself on the note card, I saw a few contradicting words. Particularly the words Passion and Fear. There’s nothing wrong with either one, but when the second infringes upon the first, the word Coward comes to mind. I’m passionate about the word of Christ, but my fear of unanswered questions is weighing me down in the water. I’m acting like a coward in so many ways, but that’s not who I want to Be. I don’t know exactly what God is calling me to do in life, but I happen to know that no Father wants his child to be referred to as a Coward. So in the name of the ultimate Father who would do anything for his children, I’m going to reach out my hands and let the world know that I need help, and I’m ready to be saved.
Last year I was drowning. This year I will let someone rescue me and, God-willing, learn how to swim. This year is a year of rebuilding.
Have you ever felt this way?
wow. what a great way of putting everything. i dont think anyone could have said it better. i have to sadly say that sometime i feel like this. for me on sunday it was a realization.
ReplyDeleteits kinda strange. for all of last semester i was trying so hard to "do'. i volunteered everywhere i could. i tried to prove to the world that i was "miss christian" and could do everything and put a smile on Gods face. i figured the more i could prove to people that i was a great christian cause i did this and that, the more i would be loved or the more people would like me. i wanted to do everything so that i could seem like i was something.
as i was writing on the first side i wrote things that were so hard on myself. then i went to the other side and just saw how much i strive to want to "be" like Christ. i saw the compassion in my heart. i saw the love all written down. but why am i always so hard on myself? what would God have said about me if he was asked to write adj. about me? i think it would have looked alot more like what i want to be than what think i am. i hope that God would see me as who i want to become, not what i do. i need to stop worrying about what lies ahead. i just have to pray that God continues to lead me on the path he has planned for me. and if i am on the wrong path, I know God will find a way to put me where i am supposed to be.
i am tired of doing. i am tired of trying to look like "miss christian" and i am ready to be courtney parlin, created to be like God.
whether i know exactly what that is i am ready to be. everyday i wake up praying that he is in control of my day. i pray that each and every day he takes me one step closer to being who i was created to be.
so whether this really has to do with this or not. i just pray that you realize too. that we can stop doing and start being.
Why does it often seem so much easier to "do" than to "be"? I think, for me at least, deep down it's because of pride, because of an unwillingness to surrender control to God, because of an unwillingness to recognize that I really really need him. I like to think that I am the one who makes myself a good person by serving and loving and smiling and "doing." I forget that God was the one who made me a good person by redeeming me and by giving me his Spirit, which is the source of all of my good qualities (the fruits of the Spirit: Gal 5:22... aka "who we are"!).
ReplyDeleteI know that when I lose my perspective in realizing that God's Holy Spirit makes me who I am--who he wants me to be--and begin to think that I need to take matters into my own hands, I end up disappointed and discouraged by my own failures.
^^really great posts everyone. (:
ReplyDeleteYeah, i have felt that waw before...but i am sorta waay past that and now my life is "good" i have little doubts, escuses, and a ton of problem. But i am still marchimg on. Sadly i new problem has occured, Conversing with other christians. I'm in a facebook Group, One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook), and i thought it was reall helpful at first. When i relized that lots of "non-belevers" wer joining and particapating in da discuasions i welcomed the challage. There was triumps and failure, but what hit me the most was the constant disrespect of me since i was 15 and the ritucule of my believes our dear breathern rocky and jeffs had shown me...not to mention the Wonderful Head. Luckyly i have befriened some people that are not religious christians but relational...Still the threats are remaining and i just wanna live. I feel just like this dude http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf5E8wxZQLw
ReplyDeleteDear nonaymous, i share you feeling. But when i listen to this song it helps remind me who i am supposed to be. Probaly is obsolete but i'll post it anyway. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdSj0hMtmNs
ReplyDeleteDear Nehemiah,
ReplyDeleteThank you for those links. To tell you the truth, neither of them falls in the same category as the music I usually listen to. My reaction to T-bone’s “Can I Live” was basically this: “oh my gosh. I hate rap”, but before I could click the red x in the corner, I realized I was being judgmental and decided I’d give it a chance. So, moral of the story is: I’m glad I listened because I feel like this guy too.
It’s hard when you finally decide to live and the people around you don’t give their approval simply because misery like company. It makes me want take all their flaws and shortcomings and throw it in their faces. I tend to get really passionate when people question my faith or my morals. Even when I hold my tongue or don’t know what to say, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and my blood pressure rising. Uhhg, I hate how that feeling always catches me off guard even though Jesus pre-warned us in the bible. In Matt.5:11, He says “Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account”. I get three things from this verse. Number one: Notice He doesn’t say “blessed are you if people persecute you”, He says “blessed are you when people persecute you”. There’s no need for us to get all hot and puffy, because this is God’s plan, revealed to us by his Son. Jesus has given us fair warning, so even though we can’t prepare all the answers, we can prepare ourselves to pour buckets of love on those who question (Matt.5:44-48). Number two: When Jesus says “on my account”, I think he’s trying to remind us whose fight this is. No, He’s not saying back off, this fight is mine. He’s just giving us a friendly reminder that we’re receiving orders from an Awesome God who has complete control over the outcome of any and every situation. Number three: When you put your faith in God’s plan and follow his orders, you can trust that he is right and motivated by pure love because He is Love. Therefore when people “utter all kinds of evil against you”, you can be assured that they have done so “falsely”. God is the ultimate Truth (John 14:6).
Nehemiah, don’t get discouraged. They will always a reason to disrespect you, but God doesn’t ever give us anything we can’t handle and he’s there with you every step of the way (Philippians 4:13). So if you keep showin love and havin faith, they’ll see the truth. Worked on that lady in T-bone’s video, right?
This is what I got out of As I Lay Dying’s “Through Struggle”: The lyrics are in all caps to emphasize the artists… singing. (I had to look up the words because I’m not fluent in screamo):
ONLY THROUGH STRUGGLE HAVE I FOUND REST.
Isaiah 40:31 “But those who wait for the Lord will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
REMOVE FROM ME THIS DECEPTION THAT I CALLED LOVE.
Luke 6:21 “For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.”
Thanks again for giving me those video links, they really got me thinking.
Once again,
aNonymous